Dana Mladin

The handiest extreme sport: the urine sample…

Reading Time: 8 minutes

I have no idea how many of you go for tests. Those type of medical tests that it is good for you to have once a year… they take some blood, you find out what new disease you might have caught, they tell you if your heart has gone berserk because of too much pork and you think it’s a dog’s life because you cannot eat sweets and you try to sweet talk the doctor to tell you your cholesterol has lower values…

Those, yeap, I speak about those.

RECIPIENTS FOR URINE, URINE CULTURE, COPROCULTURE…

Some very nice ladies from the reception of the clinic give me three small plastic recipients, different, that you have to fill and bring the next day. Your own produce… The “small business” and the “big business”, or as they say in other countries, the “number 1” and “number 2”.

Maybe some of you can still remember the delicious yogurt sold in this jars during Ceausescu’s era, but… it is not the time now for nostalgia. In my case, this collection jar reminds me of my childhood, when my mom would wake me up in the morning and she would give me the jar to go to the bathroom and fill it…  She would cover it with God knows what in order to be able to take it the next day for tests.

To paraphrase François Villon: where are the jars of the past?… They are not anymore and that is it. Now we are modern, we have three small recipients and that’s what we are using!

CONFRONTATION

The moment of my confrontation with them makes me panic…

I analyze them one by one and I remember the instructions: the thin one is for the “first jet”. No kidding! What am I, an elite shooter? And how can I aim? Standing? Not looking? I realize I would probably need some training in contortionism to be able to control the direction. J))

During the night I have nightmares. In the morning I wake thinking I will never be able to take my “business” for testing.

The three recipients wait for me, arrogant, in the bathroom. Let’s see who wins!…

I don’t really think that any woman is able to do the “first jet” in this tube. Really? Maybe from the second one on and with a loss of more than 50%. The soap, the soap, where is the soap???

The jar is a piece of cake. Well, it’s just a saying. Don’t think about a real cake… Anyway, this one I solved fast.

All right, let us get to the little shovel. From the very beginning I have a dilemma: why are there red and blue little shovels? Is the red one for girls and the blue one for boys?…

I am already constipated from the stress. J

I realize that I could use some “Instructions for using the spoon in the tube”… I have no idea how to put it into the “number 2”, to take the sample. What do I do? I stalk and then attack… while it is on the way… down?J Should I let it drop and then… I cannot find it anymore… So no, this is not the solution. I clearly need a landing ground. But what?? A plate? That I will sacrifice and then throw away. A soup plate, I think… God, how much am I gonna produce??? Maybe a small, desserts one? Shit, why don’t I have some plastic plates at home?

And I don’t have a cat, to use her litter box. J)) Or a dog, to use the plastic bags you take with you when you take him for a walk.

A potty would have been good now… I will propose a law: no home without a potty!

HARVESTING GUIDE…

And then I get the idea: a newspaper!!! That is it! I will put it on the floor and I will do exactly like in my childhood, when I would do this in some forest, hidden after a bush. Or I might make a cornet, just like the ones for sunflower seeds.

But, what do you know? I don’t have any newspaper! I only have Internet newspapers, but they are not very helpful now…

I pass to the glass solution. I have some nice wine glasses. New. Will their fate be written today? I think the water ones would be better, because they have a larger opening… I am lucky enough to find some plastic glasses. I had them for ice-cream. Yey!!!

What followed is not something I can truly tell you. You know what they say: “what (shit) happens in the cup, stays in the cup”… The important thing is that for some time I will not eat ice-cream from an ice-cream machine. J And I have such pleasant memories… Damn!

I put the three recipients nicely in something opaque, I go to the clinic. At the reception there are plenty of people who are waiting and I say in a small, timid voice:

“I have brought the three samples for the tests”.
“What samples?”, the lady asks.
“A piano sample” – I feel like answering, but I only say: “urine and… the other thing”. I give them to her.
“Did you keep them in the refrigerator?”

What?!? My God, no! Next to the soup, the stew and the sweets??? No… I asure her that mine are “non-refrigerated products”.

She takes them, I pay. She leaves with the samples, I leave on my own. Each with her own business… Small, big… Whatever.

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